Crying in the Dark

In the recent day or a little more, I've had a pretty major freak out. These don't happen that often to me, because while I often opine that others don't express themselves enough and keep things bottled up, it appears it's the pot calling the kettle black.

It may have started to boil over when I decided to set up a special dinner for my boyfriend and myself. We just recently moved in together (less than a month now), and all the stress and running around and changes in schedules has kind of gotten to us - or at least to me. I set up a dinner at Centro Tapas Bar, a new small plate restaurant in Federal Hill/Locust Point. The restaurant received top honors in the City Paper's Best of Baltimore, so I figured we'd make a go at it.

When I told my boyfriend on the phone about it, the first thing that came out of his mouth was a complaint: "I hate Federal Hill, the parking there sucks... and there's all the yuppies at the yuppie bars." And then the next day, after I texted him the menu, he said, "The food looks really good... but I don't think it's going to fill me up." (Isn't the whole point of small plates to keep ordering food, trying a bunch of things, until you are!?!? Humph...)

I don't know about you, but if someone set up a dinner for me, the first thing I'd say was, "That's awesome! I'm so excited." That's not him. He seems to find a complaint for everything... and if you met his mom, you'd understand why immediately. There's nothing I hate more in the world than ungrateful people. So while I was excited about the dinner, that I was paying for 100% out the money I received from my security deposit, that excitement diminished immediately. In fact, Friday, a half an hour away from leaving work, I was about to burst out in tears, and just surfed the Net until I rushed out the door.

Missing Each Other Completely
Friday night was actually pretty good, regardless. I talked my boyfriend into leaving the apartment so my best girlfriend could come over for girl's night. He went to meet some friends that he hadn't seen in a while. We ordered Chinese food and drank wine and talked girl talk and watched Alice in Wonderland. While he didn't come home late, he stayed up late, which is something he does all the time, mainly because he works night work. To an extent, I understand him staying up until 3 or 4, because he doesn't get up until 1:30. However, during the week, we don't see each other. I'm up at 5:45 and out the door by 7, and he's just coming to bed sometimes around 6, not sleeping in bed with me at all. And I go to bed at 10:30... and he comes home at 1:30. I've become a light sleeper, so I can't sleep very well once he gets home... and he's playing video games all night in the first bedroom. I can hear him all night through the heat vent...

I'm a firm believer in sleeping in the same bed as much as you can, as well as eating breakfast and dinner together as much as possible. The weekends are the only days we see each other: From 5:30 Friday after work until 10:30 when I go to bed Sunday night. If you can't give most of that time to someone, after not seeing them all week, then you're not really in a real relationship.

But I digress... Saturday at 1 was my joint bday party with my mom and father, my brother and his wife, and their twins. My boyfriend knew it for the past week. And here I was at 12:15 ready to go, after trying to wake him up twice, and he was still snoring in bed. I finally said, "Look, I"m leaving in 15 minutes," sadly prepared to go it alone. Instead of rushing to just throw on some clothes, he gets in the shower... we're about 20 minutes late to my brother's house, and we don't speak at all on the car ride.

We survived the family get together, luckily because the 13-month old twins make you forget about everything.

Are You Looking At Me?
On the way home, we stopped for lunch and we hardly spoke. I was still pissed. He's a 31-year-old man, and he lives his life like he's 10. He sleeps late, and all the time; he plays video games; and he tries to do as little as possible as far as responsibilities. I pay the bills, I tell him when things are due. I'm home nights, so I end up doing all of the cleaning and shopping. And he drinks the beer I buy that I put in the fridge.

We went to Lowe's for some stuff for the apartment and Target. This is where I started my rapid downfall into waterworks. As I was walking around, I felt like everyone was staring at me, at my face. Due to my hormonal problem, the acne around my chin is really bad. I've been trying to take turmeric for it, wash my face twice a day, put on repairing lotion. But some of the zits head up often, some look really big and red without heads, and then I have scars from popping them because I get so angry. I put makeup on to cover them, but by the time we were in Target, I believe it wore off.

I didn't realize it, but my new acne, at the age of 29, has changed who I am. I like the dark much better; I don't like going out as much; and I'm really sensitive when I see people staring at my chin when I talk. I don't even look many people in the eyes at work anymore, because I'm so embarrassed. And there's nothing I can seem to do about it, except add a dermatologist to my now long list of reasons I have to leave work early for a doctor's appointment.

I started balling on the car ride home. Jim kept asking me what was wrong, but I couldn't talk about it. I was embarrassed that I was feeling this way about acne. There are much better things to cry about, and I'm crying about acne. I kind of felt like my world lost direction.

Whimpers and Snores
We got home, and I canceled our dinner reservation. I didn't want anyone to see me, I wasn't really feeling like getting dolled up and going out on the town. Instead, I sat in the dark on the bed, while he got ready to play the video game he bought when I wasn't looking, and practically hid from me. I tried to hug my dog and hang with him... I just couldn't stop crying. Finally, he came in to ask if I was ok, and as I was crying... he fell asleep snoring.

That didn't make me feel much better.

We woke up, had dinner, read, tried to watch a movie, drank wine and played video games, because that makes him happy, and I wanted something to take my mind off everything. I thought I would be over the crying thing, now that my face was swollen.

Cards Stacked
Additionally, I had plans today with my best guy friend, who's birthday is a few days before mine, to go to the museum for our bday outing. I was really scared, because he's been drinking a lot, so I was pretty sure he would cancel, and my boyfriend said if he canceled, he would go with me. We were planning on going at noon.

My boyfriend came to bed at... 6:30. I had gone to bed around 3... he hadn't even tried to come with me. Again, we didn't really sleep together. So I started crying again, because I really feel like this is the beginning of the end. If he doesn't want to be intimate with me, which I consider sleeping next to me, and not always sleeping with me, if you catch my drift, then the clock is ticking.

Regardless, my best friend didn't cancel and I went out all day today, shuffling through the Walter's Art Gallery, taking part in some Day of the Dead celebration and listening to a mariachi band, and grabbing lunch and a beer at a Mt. Vernon Irish pub named Mick O'Sheas and watching the Baltimore Ravens beat the pants off the Miami Dolphins.

I felt at ease not being around my boyfriend today. Which is another telling sign. I have been honest with myself going into this: I knew this move would either work completely, or not at all. I'm a betting woman, and while I'm not yet willing to wager, I know where the cards are stacked.

My boyfriend has been at his mother's house doing laundry. Seeing as it's 8:14, I'll probably see him for about a half an hour, before I have to go to bed. And then, even though we live together, we won't really see each other again until Friday.

That's life right now. And it sucks. When you're not feeling very excited about your appearance and how people see you, it's not so great to have a boyfriend who loves his video games and his sleep more than you. If I were someone else, and they were telling me this story, I'd really wonder why they were together in the first place.